@Wonderwaltz's timeline on Twitter
Tweets
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Yes..I'm soft and cuddly..but I'm warning you..there will be damage..delicious damage..but damage nonetheless,darling
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I could use some support right now. Hold my boobs?
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If I watch what you do, it's voyeurism. If I watch while eating popcorn, it's entertainment.
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1 yr ago I started my day w/a cuppa' Joe, a cig & Newsday. Today, cuppa' Joe, electronic cig & you perver...I mean folks! You fine folks. :)
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I almost retired my superpower today. But the world would be lost forever in eternal darkness and chaos without it. So there's that.
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Beep beep...there goes the jeep to take me to my step-dad's house because he "can't figure out how to shut off the cell phone!" FML!
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Over the counter medications for severe mental disturbances would take out the embarrassing necessity for a full evaluation by a doctor.
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Nobody wants you to touch their boobs when you're busy being me.
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...and that's how I ended up with poop on my nipple :/
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Whenever I think I might be smother'n him, I just hafta remember that somebody's gotta bury tha hawg or there ain't gonna be no luau.
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Don't give them the power to waste your energy.
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Who put the ram in the ramalammadingdong?
#BadJeopardyAnswers -
The only klout I give a shit about is helping other people on here get noticed. Pay it forward.
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There's a hot guy at this party. I might have to show the girls.
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anyone can learn from their mistakes, i like to be different.
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I usually have a big cup of coffee before I mow the lawn, but I can't find it. I've lost my mow joe. ;-)
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All of Helen Hunt's roles require extensive nudity because Tom Hanks is still mad at her for not waiting when he was stuck on that island.
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How many Retweets does it take to ruin a time line? The answer is 0.
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"Fear defeats more people than any other one thing in the world." – Ralph Waldo Emerson ♥
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I wish I could wash your mouth out with your soapbox.
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Pretty stoked I've gotten this far without knowing how to do anything.
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You're all silly. And I like it. And love most of you. So shut it poopy head Xxx
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Pretty sure Peter Pan & Tinkerbell engaged in consensual BDSM activities until that time they snorted too much pixie dust & Tink freaked out
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Let's fuck shit up today. I'll bring the gummy bears.
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LoveLoveLoveLoveLov o WorldLoveWorld e v WorldLoveWorld e WorldWorldWorld World overflowing with Love.
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Beauty is in the eye of the beholder... Especially if they're perky.
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I'm at the stage of life where if I bend down to get something, I check if anything else needs to be picked up while I'm there.
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I'm like the Dalai Lama of awkward situations. Now bow to me...
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Twitter is like Ikea. You know how you got into it, but have no idea how you're going to get out.
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I bet it's easier to be optimistic when good things happen to you sometimes.
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Punching myself in the face while putting my bra on doesn't make me awesome but I didn't cry this time and that does ..!..
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You know your world is a bit bizarre if your Master scolds you for giving another human one too many stars. Oh...& if you have a Master. ;)
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the clock literally is ticking said some noticer guy
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Fucking twitter. Making me laugh out loud in bed in the middle of the night. Fucking twitter.
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I stayed up for this? This is ALL late-night twitter hasta offer?? Falls over on bed. Fine. Just get it over with.
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Getting family to unfriend you on fb is harder than you'd think.
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Juice boxes I ordered for Twitter Boot Camp have vanished off the loading dock. Hearing cursing, hooting, and "Fucking straw!" in the woods.
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Almonds are like the space shuttle launches of the mixed nut can.
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if you love someone squeeze them so tight the grocery store manager comes
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Sometimes even being soul mates doesn't mean that you should mate...or some deep shit, whatever.
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I love it when they delete the @ of our conversations & make me look like as if soliloquize (something which is not very far from the truth)
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Does anyone even remember why we don't like Nickelback?
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I ordered pizza at a Ma/Pa Ristorante to support a local business, I threw the parmesan cheese at the hipster cashier to support local rage.
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You say I'm a horny housewife who molests myself with kitchen utensils while making dinner like it's a bad thing.
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I do yoga like I do most everything: lying in bed, thinking about it in abstract
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I'm sorry, the answer we were looking for is "head bob." Head bob.
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All I did was try to reach the Sales department for the spew planes to see if I could get 'em to sky-write me a chemtrail ad. My bad.
#tbot -
All I did was offer to help PRISM with bad PR by getting rid of it, and offering it a J. What did I get? Their undivided attention.
#tbot -
Tweeps Tweet if ur doing "........" ur doing Twtr wrong. Me: If you're having fun&playing nice in the sand-pit? You're doing Twtr right.
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Some people think they're tweets don't stink :D
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I don't know why people think Jeff Dunham is so funny. It's those dolls telling all the jokes.
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Out here in the woods, we only eat what we catch ourselves. Marco....
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I declared kale an enemy combatant long ago.
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Finding that jazz really stimulates my ability to write about demon-summoning children. Interesting coincidence.
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When it's barely noon and you've already eaten a whole weeks worth of calories there's no reason not to eat a bag of dicks too ..!..
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Little known fact: much like a cat's whiskers, a hipster's mustache helps him to sense his surroundings.
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I unfollowed you because you're kind of a meanie and now I feel bad because maybe something bad happened to you and you just need some love.
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Worked inside of a fucking lead box today, no fucking signal at all. Got shit done though, roasted the appropriate beans
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have you a hand with which to pet me? o.O
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I like to think of myself as the Anti Joel Osteen.
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i kissd a prince he became frog 'das waat im talkin bout' say i
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My O face is the same as my I got soap in my eye face.
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EYE DOCTOR: Ok. Read the bottom row of letters, Sarah. ME: Alright. G F Q 7... HIM: Seven's not a letter.
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"Veni, vidi, matrem futui." I came, I saw, I fucked your mom.
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Some of us speak up when we're wronged. Some prefer to remain quiet. Many have had no choice.
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My phone doesn't need a charge. Just wants those Low Battery pop-up warnings to stop. And would love a ginger ale if you've got one.
#ftwot -
I took the ‘turd’ outta Saturday for a playdate afternoon. Next morning, the ‘sun’ in Sunday dried it out.. Signifying end of game.
#tbot -
You know you're drunk when you think your designated driver is a 3-iron.. And, then you use him to putt with.
#ftwot -
Stop trying to compare Water Polo to basketball, dude. No one likes you.
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My toddler is behind me, undoing everything I do.
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Anarchy, bitches.
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Defend you? Pfft. Not if it'll cost me my Favstar status.
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"Soo-ie, soo-ieee.. We-we-we gotta go." ~Old McDonald rounding up little piggies to go all the way home for band practice, probably
#ftwot -
For being so-called 'marriage material', I sure had a helluva time sewing her into a wedding dress.
#ftwot -
If I owned America, I'd trade it.. For a life-time supply of bubble gum and grape soda. And, then I'd move to Europe.
#tbot -
"Man can only become what he is able to consciously imagine." – Dane Rudhyar
#LoveScopes ♥ -
My bologna had a first name. A last name, too. Then, it went by its initials. Now, it says it's a universal sound, or some shit. # OM
#tbot -
Twitter - teaching folks how to get to the fucking point since 2006.
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Twitter Elite: Where 1% of the population gets 99% of the retweets and unfollow 99% of the people that helped them get there.
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I star a few incomprehensible tweets again & now I expect the usual mail from NASA with the statement:“Your stupidity is visible from space”
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I heard some freaks say the reason heavy metal died was because of rat poison. They meant Ratt and Poison. # butiknowitwasbonjovi
#tbot -
Someday, researchers will find priceless treasure hidden in junk DNA, and it'll become way more famous than Noah’s ark. # 2boatsjoke
#tbot -
An alligator just bounced off my car hood here at the zoo. My friend says it's his old pet that got stolen. We're so gonna get bit.
#tbot -
I never heard of Iceratops, or any prehistoric Arctic rodent missions. "We learned it in class today, but yer pronouncing it wrong."
#tbot -
“I might like you better if we lept together.” ~Juliet convinces Romeo Knievel to take her stunting or it's Kidz Bop Hip Hop song
#tbot -
Waiting4repair person at brothers house. When I say "repair person" I mean who repairs a washing machine, not someone who repairs people.
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I'm going to need your back stories, people.
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~ “Kindness is the one commodity of which you should spend more than you earn.” — T.N. Tiemeyer ♥
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It was on their 3rd try that the astronomers all agreed on a name. Big Thumb sounded dumb & I forget why Fingerbang Theory got nixed.
#tbot -
I put the Pez in the trapeze, and can't help but feel partly responsible for today's circus catastrophe.
#tbot#thebookoftweet -
Not sure what the point of that last sign we just passed was. Said: "Well, now u r screwed." Seems unhelpful.
#tbot#thebookoftweet -
please help me reach 20000 flowers
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I think that you can like whatever you want to like and it's ok, hi.
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your love is only as big as your sunglasses
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my dad used to always say 'well i'll be a monkey's uncle.' i think it meant he had another family
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We characterize some countries "3rd world" when at the same time Japan has still emperor & many EU countries kings & queens. Sounds logical.
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Welcome to the Island of Lost Souls. The native inhabitants refer to it as "Twitter".
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Whoa, Jane Seymour is available. *sprays breath freshener* *misses mouth, hits eye* *wipes eye with salty fingers* OMG IT BURNS SO BAD.
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Just tried to follow myself, by accident. Apparently I can't, because I have blocked myself. Can't say I blame myself. I love cheese.
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I keep see Tweeps I'm sure I didn't follo,I remember: 1 Avi can change B My memory bad iii Need2change water in fish tank d No fish tank
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People don't "get" crazy. People ARE crazy. Functional relationships are ancillary benefits that very few actually experience.
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She wants me to tell you that I have "big hands". She used air quotes and everything for some reason.
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This day in history. 1776. Congress authorized the forced capture of any British ship by any American pirate with his own plank and parrot.
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*strums guitar* Forgiveness *strums again* Is more than saying sorry *another strum* Buy them Poptarts in bulk at Costco *strums*
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You should always trust your instincts. Especially when you want to kick an annoying kid, but his mother looks like she could fuck you up.
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I'm ok with someone stealing my identity as long as I get a picture of their face as they're denied for loan after loan after loan after....
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Yeah, I suppose there ARE things more awkward than watching love scenes with your parents, but for the life of me I couldn't tell you what.
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I'm definitely the hottest girl in this men's room
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I'd totally go to a tweetup. You all seem like normal well-adjusted individuals.
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I saw your 69 star tweet and gave it one more just to be dickish ..!..
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..."And he faded away into the back alley of a city with a mangy dog & a broken tambourine where he lived happily ever after"...
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There's only one real secret to Twitter, and that is TWEET. Tweet your stupid fucking heart out, the rest sorts itself.
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Take a deep breath.. we're all in this together.
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Jed's A Millionaire - "Fools Worship Gold" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nXH2LCG2Mec&sns=tw … via
@youtube -
Just made a mountain out of a mole hill and the villagers are bowing at my feet and showering me with gifts. Wrong again, grandma.
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Dear Dr Phil, If it's true that the majority of females are crap scared of clowns why do so many end up in relationships with them?
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The best revenge is when u just continue living ur life& u shine in all that u do& u forget ur even seeking revenge cuz fuck that person.
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It's not so bad if you think of it as the judge giving you a friendship ankle bracelet.
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"Sign up to Twitter" they said. "It'll be fun" they said.....
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There's a madness to my method.
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I’ll throw my hands up in the air, and I’ll wave them, but I’m not going to pretend I don’t care. I take my hand waving pretty seriously.
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Turns out when the manager tells you you're "banned for life" from the McDonald's Play Place, they don't even notify ones in other states.
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The only explanation I can give about what's happening in my life is that my planets fuck each other.
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Installing rocket launchers on my Prius because someone needs to destroy all the Hummers.
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I once knew a man who made a room out of garage doors & showed films of his wife giving him head. It was odd but the films were fairly good.
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Hope this doesn't sound horribly racist, but I kinda don't like people who talk about the projected futures of their companies.
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My twitterbaby came and went this weekend, all spirited-like. Just like my body came and mind went. RIP real life.
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A one track mind with a two train heart is destined for a derailment. This shit doesn't have to make sense.
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Some guy kept yelling for me to flash my "boobs" while I was singing, but I think we want different things out of life.
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5500 tweets and it's time to come clean. I'd make a terrible beekeeper, so if that's what you're here for, it's okay to unfollow.
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Anyone can come here and tear people down. Try something new and original.
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When is that smarter planet going to be done already ugh
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um, are you green grass
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If you go back in time, be sure your money isn't from the future. Rookie mistake!
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I'm not cool. I still judge who I follow by follower-to-follow ratio. I judge, lest I be judged.
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What would make this ordeal better is if we stopped calling it an ordeal
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Just because they weren't the one doesn't mean the next one won't be. You gotta believe else we's all just poopyheads. So fucking believe.
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It's unfair that in near future hasn't invented the time travel & my future self can't send me help.~Random thoughts in front of ATM machine
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Woohoo! 12k tweets. I only made 12 actual tweets. Mostly about my micro-penis. The rest are RTs. I RT mostly about micropeni.
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Let me guess, another secret government experiment gone awry.
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I don't allow hate in my heart, so if you're big or small, young or old, and you're a bully, then I just don't fucking like you.
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My martial arts style: I say a clever one-liner after every punch like they do in the action movies... I get beat up a lot.
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When your boss says, "Don't you ever get sick of listening to me whine?" WARNING! This is a trick!
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Twitter is just a place where I can think "out loud" and hope people see it. That way if I do something risky, I can say I was supervised
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The King of Spades, Queen of Hearts, Jack of Clubs and Ten of Diamonds walk into a bar.., dunno the rest of the joke, I have all the 2's.
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That awkward moment when you're yet another functioning cog in the capitalist machinery.
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People with repressed homosexuality need a place to go for chicken too.
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Pass me the remote yo
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Man is the only creature who refuses to be what he is. - Albert Camus
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The restraint being exercised to resort to a superpower tweet is fast failing. So, restraint is not my superpower. *checks off list.
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Stressing cos I'm in charge of the roadtrip music... Either gonna nail it with my combo of slick retro and hipster mixtapes, or confuse.
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man sometimes people can't see shit... twitter is a gold mine that hasn't been tapped yet
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i was going to tweet this really awesome tweet about life... five minutes on twitter and i don't have a clue what i was going to write
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~ When you are content to be simply yourself and don’t compare or compete, everyone will respect you. - Lao Tzu ♥
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I would watch a movie that had Antarctica a whale a cabin and pancakes. Like they just eat pancakes all day then go look for the whale.
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A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. - Mark Twain ♥
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What if everything was real?
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Marco.
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Sometimes sarcasm is scarey and hard to grasp...*pats your head softly*
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Imagine my glee at the announcement of a double-header!
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Contemplating either to smile or make that serious silly face. I wish I can dance here.
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If her tramp stamp reads "please sign my guest book" chances are you're making the sandwiches.
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The only reason people hate fame is because they aren't famous. Again, fuck Hollywood for that realization.
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Twitter's seven years old today? Multiply by 200 million active users, factor in twitter time vs real time, that's 50 trillion wasted years.
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I wonder how many times Smurfette and Vanity Smurf hosted blukkake parties.
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#FF everyone because we all need to get laid at some point. -
Do not retweet the people who don't retweet you. Some are just assholes.
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One more picture tweet and I'm blocki....."Oh, what a cute kitty. What's his name?"
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Seriously, it does not matter. I could be followed by every last account on Twitter, & I'd still feel like the little brother tagging along.
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You don't have to earn respect from me. It's there as it should be, and yours to keep. You decide if you want to lose it.
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Remember when I used to worry about what I tweeted last night? Ha! Fuck it.
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Oh good, new neighbors. They have 6 kids...yay.
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Calming, that sound of furious silence as anger turns to rain
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All liquored up & turned on...
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If these phones are so smart why don't they keep us from tweeting stupid bullshit?
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Life is hard sometimes. Comedy helps.
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Definition Cookies suck.
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Fortune Cookie?: "Grace is the divine ability to cope with every circumstance" That's a Definition not a Fortune. I've been ripped off.
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Found out I have nothing funny, insightful, sarcastic,meaningful, or witty to say. You have been warned. Hell, that's hardly worth typing.
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Join humanity at the all u can eat unsatisfactory buffet..serving bitterness, insufficiency, & never good enough everyday...& it's free!!!
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Don't judge me because I only have 264 followers. You know, it took the Beatles a while to be discovered, too.
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I suffer from random memory loss. Some people call it politeness.
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Love me for who I could have been.
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What's up, we playin' Barbies or what?
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Damn cats in Busytown don't even stay on the right side of the road
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A mediocre joke. Ruined. HIM: It's always 5 with this clock. ME: It's always 5 somewhere. HIM: It's always 5:30 somewhere, too. ME: ...
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Men, take note, if you're handsome you're "flirting with her", if you're not, you're "being a creep".
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Made 716 lists to categorize peeps I follow. If you subscribe to one, make sure its yours. Keeping you guys apart. Always talking shit.
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Drunk tweeting is a lot like cataloging your silly thoughts as they occur in a public forum and what could possibly be wrong with that?
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if we were bears i'd wrestle you and then we'd walk down by the river and get some honey and get our paws all sticky
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Not to brag, but we're having human company tomorrow. Of course, we didn't invite him, and we'll ignore him...but we made a cheesecake...
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Contact your doctor, to see if Twitter is right for you. (No. The answer is no)
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I'm gonna end up writing the novel of my life on twitter and its got a lot of whale penis so far.
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Wednesday, you were tough, but you were fair.
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We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. ~Oscar Wilde ♥
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Today, instead of falling asleep in a meeting, I translated the rude version of the "Addams Family" theme to Spanish & made it rhyme.
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"She's terribly mischievous so she'll encourage you to join her in the mischief & it's cosmic mischief that is masquerading as dysfunction"
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If I could change one thing about the world it would be this lady's haircut.
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Yoga sucks. Yeah I said it.
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Automotonaphobia- fear of anything human like. Mannequins, dolls, people on twitter.
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Jedi mind tricks aren't just for emergencies: they're also just plain handy. "This isn't the last donut you're looking for."
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Collaboration's overrated
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Like tweet. Explore TL. I'm sorry this is disturbing even for Twitter. Slowly and carefully back out of TL. Start breathing again.
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a baby buggy but for rocks
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Pfft, this isn't even the stupidest thing I do everyday.
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i am a duck i am an island
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*puts on sweatpants. gives up hope*
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I worry when I see the oldies worrying about their reputation here. I don't want to be that. Doggy style anyone!?
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Something has to be done! Something must be done! But oh, not that. Something else, but something has to be done.
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spoiler alert: the peasants in les miserables are sexy tragically sad movie stars
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"Blah blah blah superbowl blah blah quarterback blah blah blah I love cock blah blah blah blah" - What I hear when people talk about sports
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D'tk'r'dee! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=768h3Tz4Qik … Still one of the funniest and truest things I've ever seen in my life. Thanks
@ktoab for digging it up! xo -
Taylor Swift...maybe it's not the boys who are the problem, hmm?
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"A bad habit never disappears miraculously; it's an undo-it-yourself project." – Abigail Van Buren
#LoveScopes ♥ -
"Great things are not done by impulse, but by a series of small things brought together." – Vincent van Gogh
#LoveScopes ♥
Dream-maker
Spilt Whilst
Scarlett Fever
Willowbottom
Wonder Twin
Lilly
BlackWidow
Jesus Jaramillo
Rainbow Brite
WhatserName
Shireen Soussen ♔
FrauFickenDammt
Bitch
snicky
Darrin
Evil Schwartzie
The Dork
LoveScopes
truly
Blakey Pants
Tink
blunder rated
Scott Taylor
Don Pearyawn
Suggestible Dave
Queen of the Damned
Theodora Chester
Viva La Crap!
Hushpuppy 5¢
miss shushy paws
Yer_Mom
Saga
System Failure
Orpheus Descending
Social Btrfly
Kellye
Not A PluckedChicken
HASDays
Justin Walker™
Paul
Eric Komans
alex carbajal
Mitch G
Anonymous Vagabond
Uncle JP the Janitor
Not Silvestri
@Nimrod_Nation
roввyroв
Gone
Indian Bread Maker
Nickels
Carly Carlamity
Chippie
keply erzsébet
Travis LeBlanc
Jimmer Cork-Bottle
Jess
~Sheila~
kyle bc
Witchy Woman
sex out the city, ok
Lisa K
PUNTED CUNT FACE
some people call me
Fondue KnuckleSlap.
Melvin of York
Thurston Furlicker
Crash Ferrari
max fischer
The Robfather
Vandal
Desperate Loser
Maria Carreon
delaiahkbye.
Sarah Elizabeth
Sonal
Control_Zed
Lolly Sassafras
goddamnGremlin
Peter Hubball
Just Call Me Frank™©
NJ's
Blowjob Fairy
gaga don't preach
gordon
Alan Parham
Mandy Moe
Tanya Johnston
Dale Ray
Emily Gray
Rosie
Zomb E. Coyote
Michael B Inlaoninni
Samuel Isaac Dealey
Jimmy Crapscorn™
indie claws
oops
Labels: #ftwot, #gaf, #gsoav, #jsntf, #tbot, tweets, twitter
posted by Taranonymous Reads Not the Book of Tweet @ 4:18 PM
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